i saw mom again..in my dream just the other night..damn!i miss her!it was like she's still alive..as if she never died at all..i dreamt of the good old times when she's still with us physically..when i woke up after that dream..i can't help but reminisce those times when she was still alive..its nearly two months since the night she left..i know she's somewhere out there..watching..peacefully taking her rest..

she used to tell me..the only treasure she has is me,my brother ian,and my sister rosette..she told me that all she wanted is the best for us..see us well and happy..she's the greatest..but then i thought..being the eldest among her children..have i done enough to make her happy?through the last couple of years of her life,i was with her..we had a lot of fights and misunderstandings..i used to hurt her feelings though i didn't mean to..eventually..i realized my mistakes and made sure that i'd make it up to her..i stayed with her and did my best to understand her same as she does with me..

about two years ago..my mom and dad separated for the last time..they've been doing that for like God knows when for a lot of reasons..this one seemd to be the most painful for all of us..my dad tried to take rosette along with him..of course my mom didn't let him so she decided to send rosette to her hometown in Lucban Quezon to study and live with my grandparents..it was indeed painful however my mom thought that's the best for rosette..but you know what's worse?the year after that,we had a financial crisis..she can't afford to enrol ian and rosette anymore..as for me,i was already working(in a callcenter;ICT Marketing Ortigas) so i told her not to worry about me anymore..she was forced to send them both to Batangas to my dad to study(because my dad said he'll only support them if they'll stay with him)..that's the time i saw her weep..as much as i want to share tears with her,i just can't..it would be a lot harder for her if she sees me down-hearted..it would only cause her pain so i tried to be strong for her..she needed strength and courage..like someone man enough..sad to say,my dad hadn't been like that..there were only two of us left at home..i was the only one left for her..which is why i did my best to be real tough!apparently..i got along well with the attitude..i even played like the man in the house doing the tough chores..things that my dad and ian do at home when we're still together..most importantly..i never cried when she's around..i often gave her a very wide grin or a sweet smile or a hearty laugh..i saw her happy and contented again with the hope that one day,we'll all be together again even without dad..i felt proud..despite the situation of our family i still made her happy..i felt like i was so tough and strong and brave..until she died..i felt like i was a super hero with her powers draining..i couldn't move..couldn't speak..couldn't even cry..couldn't even scream for help..i was protecting her and i swore that i'll always take care of her..and now she's gone..and now that she is..i think i lost the courage that i usually had before..though when she died she still managed to make me face my fears..i still feel weak..

i know i have to move on..she could be watching..it might still give her pain if she sees me breaking down..i guess all i have to do is to keep everything together in their rightful places along with the strength and courage i gained because of her..